Understanding attachment

You've probably heard the word attachment everywhere — parenting groups, Instagram, well-meaning relatives. It can start to feel like one more thing to get right. One more place to fall short.

But underneath the buzzword is something genuinely hopeful.

Where the idea comes from

Attachment theory began with John Bowlby, who noticed that children in post-war orphanages were fed, clothed, and kept safe — yet still struggled. It became clear that children need more than care. They need someone: a consistent person to feel safe with.

Mary Ainsworth later observed how babies and caregivers respond to each other in unfamiliar situations. Her work showed that all children form attachments — but the quality of those attachments depends on how consistently a caregiver can respond.

The different attachment styles

Secure attachment

A toddler explores, checks back, and returns for comfort when needed. Over time, they learn that relationships are safe, reliable, and that closeness doesn't mean losing themselves.

Anxious attachment

When responses feel inconsistent — sometimes attuned, sometimes not — a child stays close "just in case." In adulthood, this can show up as fear of rejection or difficulty feeling secure.

Avoidant attachment

When emotional connection is harder for a caregiver, a child learns to manage their needs quietly. Later, this can look like independence that's actually protection — discomfort with closeness even when it's wanted.

Disorganised attachment

The most complex pattern, shaped when a caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. As adults, this can create a painful push-pull: longing for closeness, then feeling frightened by it.

Here's the part that matters most

If you're wondering whether you've already "got this wrong," please hear this clearly:

Secure attachment does not require perfection.

Research by Ed Tronick and colleagues on infant–caregiver interaction suggests that caregivers and babies are fully in sync only about a third of the time — and that what builds security is repair: noticing the moments you missed, coming back, naming what happened, reconnecting (Tronick, 2007).

That's it. And you're already capable of that.

Your own attachment style isn't fixed either. It was shaped by early experiences, but it can shift and heal through the relationships you have now — including the one you're building with your baby.

If this brings something up for you

Maybe you recognised yourself in one of the descriptions. Maybe it stirred questions about your own childhood. Maybe you're navigating a hard transition — daycare drop-offs, returning to work, a baby who won't settle unless they're on you — and you're not sure what's normal.

All of that is worth talking through. Not because something is wrong with you, but because understanding why we respond the way we do is grounding, empowering, and deeply supportive for both you and your child.

This is the work I do with parents every day. If any of this resonated, I'd be glad to explore it with you.

Tronick, E. (2007). The neurobehavioral and social-emotional development of infants and young children. W. W. Norton & Company.